Better

I feel better today.

Last night I ended up getting dinner with a friend of mine. We've been friends for a long time and he knows a lot about what I've been going through recently.. it's nice to have someone to listen to you without them putting their take on the whole situation.

I am feeling alright.

I've got a lot in the works today and tomorrow.

This morning it's off to the chiropractor to see if he can actually do something about my shoulder/neck that keeps waking me up in the middle of the night (don't even get me started about the night sweats I've been having recently - no fun).

Then I get to go to work.  fun fun!

Tonight I am having dinner with my friend Kristen. If you've been around my blog for a while you will know that Kristen is my lovely assistant who helped me with my I heart Ann project back in 2007. She's the one who tivo'd the Today Show everyday and took photos of me off her television.

We are going to go to Lena's out in north Seattle... I am going to have their chicken pita. I have been dreaming about it all week.

Tomorrow I have ww, stairs and then I am getting a massage from my friend Candise. I used to see her when she worked at the salon I go to. I've been thinking with all the stress I've been under lately it would be nice to take care of myself. I am looking forward to it.

I almost feel like things are manageable...

This weekend I am also going to go to church again. I am happy that I am finding a community that is open and not too stuffy. I fit right in with them... it's nice to feel a sense of belonging.

The other day I downloaded an audio course of the self-compassion book I read. If you are interested here is the link to the sounds true page... they are having a sale on audio downloads right now and you can get the Kristin Neff course or the Brene Brown course for $24.49. I think they are both well worth it...  I haven't started listening to the Self-compassion course but I haven't been disappointed yet by the things I've bought from Sounds True.

I am hoping that I haven't been too mopey. lately.. my Facebook friends have been coming up to me when they see me in real life to make sure I'm okay. I appreciate that they care... I always have to assure them that I am not coo-coo bananas... I'm just a person who lets things out... if I kept everything in can you imaging how wound up and really unhappy I'd be?

I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel... or at least it's the light at a rest stop.

I think I will survive.

Keeping Warm

So far today, so good. Yes, I know it's only 6:30 in the morning but sometimes you just have to take what you can get.

I am happy to report that I think my cough is going away. My air purifiers are going full tilt and I still have a bit of phlegm, but the cough for the most part is disappearing.

I think I may survive.

Last week I think I came close to losing it.

I don't mean totally coming off the rails losing it, but pretty close.

I am feeling better. Overall my life is better in 2014, but it's been challenging. I'm happy that I am struggling - yes, I know that sounds funny... but I think I may have said it before, I would rather be feeling all the things I'm feeling right now than shoving everything down inside and not dealing with it.

The reason I almost went over the edge last week is the fact that I had a mammogram when I got back from Chicago and then I got a phone call the day after saying that there was an area of concern and that they needed to take more pictures. Of course my mind started assuming the worst, that I have something growing inside me that would just cap off what a challenging year I'm having so far. I have another appointment in a week and a half. I also got a letter from the doctor saying that things like this are usually benign... but It sucks to have these things in the back of your head though. After talking to a bunch of friends I am hopeful that it is nothing and I've calmed myself down a bit. I think when I get all this crap out of the way I may start feeling better.

I have also made an appointment with a therapist and I've contacted a CPA. yeah! a shrink and tax help!

I just have to keep plugging along.

This week that AWP Conference is being held in Seattle - that's a conference for writers and writing programs. It's sort of like the conference I went to in Chicago but for writers instead of artists.... Tonight the Vermont Studio Center (the place I'm going this summer) is having a reception near my apartment. I am going to stop by on my way home. It will be fun to see some people I know. (I will know at least one person.. that's good enough)... It might be nice to make some connections too. I have to keep working.

I think that's all I have to share today... I am getting ready to post my t-shirts online to sell through Etsy... I think that's going to be the easiest way to go... I just have to get some good photos taken of them.... I need a fashion model... okay, that's really it.

hmmmm.....

Things keep plugging along.

I spent this past weekend doing a deep cleaning of my apartment.

I've been trying to get rid of this cough that I've had for four months... I'm feeling better generally, but the cough lingers. I think it may be dust that is causing the problem. (the doctor did a chest X-ray a few weeks ago and it's nothing dire).

I bought a personal air filtration system on Sunday and that's been going nonstop in my bedroom. I then decided that I should get a bigger one for the rest of my apartment. It arrives tomorrow.

I shall see if taking up all the rugs, steam cleaning the hardwood floors, and getting rid of extra crap will help eliminate the cough. I'm tired of it. It started back in October - I have some personal associations with it so when it's gone, perhaps some of the baggage I'm holding onto will be gone too.

I continue to practice the glass half full strategy. It's been hard recently, but I will continue to plow through things.

As Howard Jones says... things can only get better...

Checking in.

Last week was rough.
I'm okay though... the good things are that I am taking steps to take care of myself which is important.

I had a big brother clothing party today and I purchased a few nice things. I'm actually going to be the owner of a pair of white jeans. (I know  - Yikes!)..

I'm not quite ready for the work week to be here...

Perhaps I will post again tomorrow.

More Changes...

I've decided to cut down on the blogging, facebooking, and oversharing that has permeated my life the past few years. It's not that I don't love you all, it's that I feel like I need to give myself a little break and live my real life. Not just the image of a life I live online... I want them to be more inline with each other...

I realize by typing that last few sentences I am bound to go back on my word, but that's okay. I just have to play everything by ear. I am tired. I feel goodish. I am getting better.

I just realize that I've been through a lot over the past few years and it's hard keeping up a image of what I think people want to see from me. I am pretty sure its fairly authentic, but still... nothing beats getting up and doing things as opposed to sitting on your sofa typing about things.

Don't worry, I'm not going to abandon you all together, I just need a break.

so this is sideways... that's okay....

Home Again!

I made it home last night a little past 11pm. I was really tired... we had some moderate turbulence on the way home and I listened to a new meditation sampler I downloaded on Sounds true  which perfectly timed out to end when the Captain turned off the fasten seatbelt sign. I don't fly a lot so it was a little stressful, but I have a bunch of new tools to deal with stress.

I survived.

My only complaint this morning is that I have a headache. I think my neck may be out of whack but I will make an appointment with my favorite chiropractor, stair climb leader... I will be okay.

Here are some photos from the trip.

Weird Dreams, Walks and Waking up Early

Yesterday I managed to finally meet up with Bradley, the guy from Portland who found my business cards last year at the conference. We went to breakfast and grilled each other about summer camp experiences. It was nice to finally meet him.

After breakfast I perched myself in the lobby and sat around with my business cards sitting out. Some women sitting next to me asked about them and they thought they were fabulous. The woman sitting across from me is the Head of the Fashion Department at Columbia College Fashion Department and she is looking for a new administrative assistant. I mentioned that I had mad administrative skills. She told me to send her my resume... I will probably do it. I'm not really going to up and move myself to Chicago again (although I should never say never). She told me that administrative skills are a very sought after thing in the art world. It gives me hope.

After my perching was done I went to a fantastic session about Creative Capital. Three awardees talked (one of them being my former department head Christine Tarkowski) in addition Nick Cave, and Theaster Gates.  IT WAS AWESOME! 

This is the first time where I really want to order a recording of a session... Theaster Gates is my new spirit animal... he basically called out Art Historians and told them that they needed to talk to artist in order to write about them... not try to discuss their work compared to outdated modes of making and dead artists... Nick Cave pretty announced that he's taking the next 10 years to make different work that has a civic responsibility, he said he was a messenger, not an artist.
Christine was great too... I really miss being around her thoughtful discussion of ideas and processes... it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

That one session made up for the other lame ones I attended...

Then I walked up Michigan Avenue and went shopping... and took some photos.

It's taking too long to upload so I will do it when I get home tomorrow...

see you later!

friends and remembering Dad.

Today has been fairly low key.

I got up at 8! yeah, I know - that's sleeping in for me!

I gave my friend Trina a pep talk before she went in for her last interview of the conference.

Then I got ready and sat in the lobby with my laptop and my t-shirts...  (oh, first I distributed my business card propaganda!)...

Then I went to lunch with my friend Lisa. She is a Weight Watchers leader that I worked for when I went to school here. It was really good to catch up with her and see what was going on.

I posted a funny photo of my Dad on Facebook this morning, it has his head cut off (it was taken at the San Diego Zoo in the 70's)... he would have never approved of it... oh well. There's nothing he can do about it now.

I miss him and have come to realize that he had more layers to him than I thought (or at least thought I realized)... I'm looking forward to revisiting our relationship as I go forward and culling the memories for new work and a newfound peace.

it feels good to feel like I'm on the right path..

Menofesto!

I have decided to write a menofeto...

I bet you're trying to figure out what a menofesto is aren't you?

It is going to recount my problems with trying to get my failed t-shirts shown and general dissatisfaction with the art worlds problem with middle aged women talking about their problems!

Let's put the capital F back in Feminism...

Getting my act together.

It was a whack nutty day...

I am thinking tomorrow will be better when it comes to having my act together.

I am expecting to sleep a little longer and a little better... my friend Trina is coming from Wisconsin tonight - she has a few interviews so she is going to crash with me. If she wasn't coming I would have  been out like a light by now. I did take a little nap when I got back from a long walk this afternoon.

This morning I had a good session with my career development people... I'm going to be working on revising my resume and I'm also going to focus on my writing.. that makes me feel good... considering most of my work contains text I might as well focus on it.

I think I feel better...

things I accomplished today:
I balanced my checkbook
bought yogurt
went to a panel
distributed business cards
talked to my momma to get a few hugs over the phone..
I got in touch with the graphic designer from Portland. Might actually meet him tomorrow.

The day could have been better - but it could have been a whole lot worse.

I will take it as it was.

Hello Chicago (Hello 4am again)...

so.... I made it to Chicago no problem...

It was nice to get back to a place that holds so many good memories for me.

I got to my hotel around 4pm and unpacked my things and then went for a nice long walk down Michigan Avenue... I think it was 15 degrees outside but it was clear and beautiful.

I got back to my room about 7pm and had a nice dinner of chicken noodle soup and a pretzel roll (still no place like Chicago for a pretzel roll!)...

I watched some television and read a bit - I fell asleep around 11 I think.

AND THEN I WOKE UP AT 4AM.

I guess my brain is stuck at waking up that early no matter what time zone I'm in.

I decided since I was up I might as well go swimming when the health club opened... so I went for a swim a little past 5.

now I'm passing time in my bed with the laptop and a cup of "coffee"... it's not the best but it will do for hotel coffee.

I have a bit of a headache, but hopefully it will go away once I get moving.

This morning I have to pick up my materials for the conference and then I have a meeting with my career development people from school. It's a good thing to touch base with them every once in a while to keep fresh on my Art career.

I'm a little heavy eyed right now... maybe I'll take a quick nap...oh, who am I kidding...

that's it for now...

Off Like a Prom Dress...

I am off this morning to Chicago for the College Art Association Conference.

I realized yesterday that I am exhausted. Emotionally and physically. It's okay though.
I will take this next week to focus on my art side.. it needs a little attention.

I'm looking forward to catching up with friends from Grad School, swimming in the hotel pool, investigating the Trader Joe's around the corner from the hotel, and seeing a lot of art.

I took a few photos the other morning when it snowed...
here are a few. (and my kitchen table)...

I should really get my act together and hose myself off...

I usually am put together when it comes to going on trips but this time I am not... oh well. I'm just going to wing it.

My life is Whack Nutty Crazy Mess - but it's good.

it's amazing what can happen when you start making changes...

I've been on a crazy roller coaster the past year or so.. it's gotten really crazy the past month... but I'm just going with the flow.

I've been powering up on books and eliminating electronic crap in the evening... spending more time with my friends... experiencing feelings..

Greif..  that's a big one that's been coming up lately.

This Friday will be the one year anniversary of my Dad dying. At the time I don't think I grieved... I mean I knew it was coming and I was prepared but I didn't really experience the feelings at the time.

With all the events of the past year it's just been one thing after the other and I just shoved everything inside... yeah, I would show it every once in a while but it never really all came out. I think with the "dumping" (that's what I'm calling it) it just brought up a bunch of other things I hadn't been fully feeling... overall I'm feeling better and it's going to be a process but I actually think I am going to be alright.

I am looking forward to spending time with my Chicago friends this next week... I haven't seen them for a long while and it will be nice. I have to pack at some point today/tomorrow...

I was up at 4am so I'm thinking I might need to take a nap...
I was going to go to church but it snowed last night and I don't want to risk it in an area of town I don't know...

I think that's it for now.

Stay strong people - there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Yes it's late...

Today I sprung the news on my boss that I wanted to take seven weeks off this summer in order to go to the Vermont Studio Center.

The first thing he said was that it was going to take a lot longer than a week to get there.

whew...

I didn't think there would be a problem, but it's always scary to ask for what you want...

Sometimes you actually get what you want.

Overall it was a really good day.

We had a firm lunch today to celebrate our 10 years as a firm. I ate a lot.
It was good.


Burp.

I made it to Friday.

yesterday was a bit of a letdown after all the celebrations of Wednesday...

I had a lot of fun at the Seahawks Superbowl Parade! One of the benefits of working in the Westlake Office tower is that it was right on the parade route - We closed the office and went down to celebrate. The Seahawks Deejays were set up at the Mall portion of the building and I spent two plus hours just dancing around... I didn't care if people were looking at me... I've gotten past the point in life that I'm embarrassed by how I move.  It kept me warm for sure. I was not the only person dancing.

My years in Chicago and my time spent on the plaza at the Today Show helped me figure out how to dress appropriately for the cold weather.

It was fun and here are some photos.

Let's just say it was fun...

Today our office is celebrating it's 10 year anniversary by going out to lunch. It will be fun... I'm looking forward to the weekend as well.

I am going to hit the stairs tomorrow and then get my hair done - I am going to Chicago next week for a conference and I don't want to hit up the town with a skunk stripe in my hair... oh the wonders of middle age...

I got an email yesterday from a graphic designer in Portland. After last years conference he contacted me because he found my business cards lying around. He thought they were great. We've sent a few email over the past year and are going to meet up in Chicago. He is going to be taking photos of the conference for the association. It will be nice to make some new contacts. He was just checking to make sure that I was ready (I am not).

Last years conference was a bit of bust because Dad died while I was there... this one should be more fruitful I think. Even if the conference itself doesn't do much for me, just being back in Chicago with my friends and having a little mini vacation will be nice.

At some point this weekend I need to get my things organized and maybe have some sort of game plan... oh well...

One last thing.. Zoe seems to be doing better. She peed on my mom yesterday when she picked her up... I think that's a good sign.

This was what she looked like on Tuesday...

That's all I've got... I have to get a move on!