boobies!

It's all about boobies!

I work next door to the Nordstrom Flagship store and walk through it at least four times a week to check out the new merchandise... I had been thinking about getting a bra fitting for a while because it's been a long time (four years at least) and my bras were starting to get a bit denty (either my boobs are shrinking/drooping etc...)  I was thinking that I should just do it.

Yesterday I pulled the trigger... guess what?

I'M A FREAKING C CUP!

that was not something that I expected... I went from wearing a 34D to a 32C...

who knew?

I guess it just goes to show you that even though you think things are one way, they are always changing...

I'm sure I can work this story into a moral/lesson of my recent experiences... ah, I'll think about that later...

I AM going to donate all my too big bras to a women's shelter near my office today. Now that makes me feel really good.


four hours later I remember that I forgot to finish/publish this stinking post...

I guess that's what happens when you age... and/or are excited about boobs.

Okay to finish up I am donating a bunch of good / gently used undergarments, clothes, shoes, and toiletries... It's nice to give away thing that you think you "need"... because I really don't... other people really do need them more than me.

New Blog!

I've decided to start a new blog where I will post all my "feel good, new-age, hippie crap".

it's called my hippie jeneratorrant  Get it? Okay, maybe you don't... I was thinking of the song My Generation, and my blogger name Jeneratorrant, and the fact that I've turned into a hippie...

okay, maybe it's a stretch...

I'm just going to go for it..

I posted this morning.

In other non hippie news, I am going to write an article about being a camper/camp counselor and how it has changed my life over the years. (I think that is sort of hippie news but sometimes it's hard to differentiate...).

Tonight I am going to the Big Brother Clothing company's preview party and my consultants house... should be good.. I'm taking my momma with me.

Oh yeah, I changed the blog from a dark background to a light one - I think was was time to lighten things up.

I continue to clean out crap from my life and apartment - it feels good.

I feel good.

It feels good to feel good.

Better

Although my emotional trajectory has been moving in an upwardly direction there were ups and downs along the way, it's along the same lines as trying to lose weight I think... there may be ups and downs but if you follow the program you generally head in the downward direction (oops - there's a tangent)... to get back to what I was talking about..

YESTERDAY I FELT BETTER.

Better in a lot of different ways:

better in that I went back to see my doctor and we figured out that my ongoing cough was just an asthmatic reaction to a few colds I've had over the past few months. She gave me a few different prescriptions and I am already starting to feel better (the Allegra I had been taking was not letting the mucus clear from my chest - I cut that and I'm already feeling better)...

better in that I had a Tuesday evening at home to myself... I started cleaning and purging.. it feels good to get rid of things that weigh you down... (ideas, thoughts, and people can weigh you down too but if you have clutter it amplifies a feeling of being stuck)...

better in that my constant reading is bringing me new insight into various situations... how I deal with things, how I deal with relationships....  I've mentioned that I've been reading the book Self-Compassion - this has helped calm me down (I used a few of the techniques I've learned yesterday while I was waiting for my chest x-ray to come back... I needed to be aware of how I was feeling and it helped)... I am also listening to a audio book called It's Just a F***ing Date and it's giving me new hope on revamping my dating life... I've never been a big dater but this is showing me how to get my act together in a funny way and it's also giving me insight on things in the past... it makes me realize that I am on the right track... I just need to not take things so serious all the time...

better in that people are starting to catch my newfound attitude, people are asking me for help... people are reaching out and it feels good.

it feels good to feel better...

I'm still here!

I've been busy with life.

It feels good...

Today is my first really free Tuesday in a long time. No more teaching! I like teaching, but having so many classes was taking away from the time I needed for myself.

I am on a new path... the path of self-fulfillment..

This morning I am going to go back to the Dr. and see about my three month long cough.. it's getting old.  Other than the cough I feel fine... I just want to get rid of it so I can get back to training my backside off for the stair climb.

I've been away from training for too long.. I have to get back... I love the power I have when I'm climbing up those stairs...  it's liberating and depleting (in a good way)...

I'm taking life by the nads... I'm going to be the best I can be and I'm not going to be quiet about anything..

I am grateful for what I've been going through and all the friends who have been there for me and the love they have shown.

Life is good.

Weekend...

I don't recall when I last posted (maybe Thursday??).

I have been keeping busy with things.

Important things this weekend -
Reconnecting with old friends.
Movies - Dallas Buyers Club A+++
Going to Church for the first time in a long while (a new church, same denomination, different time, more manageable).
Filling out a Grant application on time.
laundry.
Visiting puppies.
Getting my armpits waxed.
Reading.

Listening to Meditations found on this page.

Life is getting better. Not that it was bad (it could always have been worse).

Next week I will have another weeknight free.. I'm looking forward to maybe working on some artwork, or cleaning up my place... it's beginning to look like a packrat lives here (no, not really..) I just need to put some things away.

Fake it 'til you make it.

When I'm teaching my cycle class I often tell new students to fake it 'til you make it... I continue to fake it... I have said it before - I am feeling better... but it doesn't mean I am over everything... I had to fake it a little bit yesterday... not too much but still - you think things are pretty good and then you think about something that was said and your heart sinks a little bit...

I will just keep faking it.

I have a few updates though...

First of all - I am going to go to church on Sunday. I don't usually go to church because I teach - I found a church that has services on Sunday afternoons at 1:30... my friend Katy is the youth minister there so  I am going to check it out... I find that I feel better in that sort of community so I am going to seek out that feeling more consistently.

Next up... my Tuesday night cycle class is being taken off the schedule.. yippee! I like teaching but I am looking forward to having another night to do what I want to do. (Stair training maybe???)...

Finally - I am making dates with old friends... I am meeting a girl I went to High School with on Saturday for a walk with her dogs and then another friend on Sunday... I'm looking forward to increasing my circle of friends and opening myself up to new experiences.

Changing the way I think is going to reap benefits... I've been reading a lot, losing the iPad at night to fall asleep to - I'm sleeping a heck of a lot better because of that choice. Trying to cut down on the noise in my brain...

I will continue to fake it (although I'm not really faking it - I'm working it...)...

I will make it.

more photos from my weekend...

Here I am again.

Two posts in less than 24 hours?
what is this world coming to?

I don't think this will be a long one... I woke up this morning feeling good. I have a lot to be thankful for and I am going to appreciate it - damnit!

ha - change feels good... and it's true a lot of it has to do with attitude.

If you need a pep talk let me know...

I woke up this morning and took a self-compassion quiz here it is from a book I started reading last night.. It turns out that I am fairly self-compassionate - I kind of knew that but there's always room for improvement and areas to increase the practice...

Okay - that's it. I have a little bit more coffee to drink and a day to attack full on.

Go team!

What's been happening...

I am on a whole new level.

You never quite know how hard things have been until you feel better...

I have been focusing a lot on expressing gratitude recently.. I found this website for the Greater Good Science Center... it has given me a bunch of good resources.

I am finding that if I practice (or articulate) what I am grateful for it improves my mood, therefore I am going to keep doing it.

The past four days have been transformative... a lot of things are in process - things are going to change... expressing gratitude is opening up new possibilities  and I am feeling less sadness and anxiety...

I've got a lot of things in the works - both personally and professionally... not anything too big but getting jolted out of my stupor has resulted in the start of something.

Today I am grateful for my friend John. It he hadn't been such a douche I wouldn't be feeling so good right now (good does not equal perfect)...

9.3

I am not quite a 10 but I am definitely a 9.3.

This is what I posted on Facebook once I got home this afternoon...

I said on Friday that my time counseling at camp always comes right when I need it (usually with exactly the right combination of people too)... it always gives me just what I need. 
I knew this would be the case and I knew I would feel better coming out the other side of this weekend. I don't think I realized how much I was hurting and how much I needed my community AND how much I have been changed over the years.

I chose to focus on how much I have to be grateful for and how much my light can be reflected in others and how much love I have to give and receive..

changes are coming - big and small.. they've been simmering for while and I'm excited.

I appreciate all the feelings I've been experiencing over the past year..pain, loss, happiness, sorrow, hurt, anger, love, passion, and hope.. they are creating a stronger foundation which makes me happy and eager to share.


I feel so much better now that I've had some time to not focus on what is really important...

I knew I would be okay but I just feel better.. there is no pit in my stomach feeling anymore... which is nice.

I have to remember what is truly important and work my way through things... it's not always pretty but it is worth it to go through the feelings which come along with being human...

I think that's all I have to say at this moment but I will share some photos I took... I think I'll post more tomorrow but for now I feel good and I am going to sleep well tonight.

I almost thought so...

I am remarkably better today. In part because I get to spend the weekend at one of my favorite places (camp!) and I broke some of the silence I had imposed on myself with the person who caused my upheaval.  It was nothing major, but I said the things that had been running through my head the past few weeks.

For the most part I feel better... not completely, but better.

FRIDAY!

I got distracted last night so I never finished my post so here I am 10 hours later...

I am pretty jazzed about going to camp. I am always in a better place when I get back. Sure, I'm not going to get much sleep but that's okay. I will survive.

I know by just spending time away from the online world I will feel better.

And I get to come home to a Seahawks football game!

Okay, I don't want to lollygag along.

I will check back on Sunday or Monday!

What do I know.

I feel like all I ever do is complain lately.

Maybe it's not complaining but still... I just want to tell myself to snap out of it... but I can't.  I mean I'm okay - I just wish I felt a bit better.

There are some good things though...

I noticed yesterday that the sun is staying out longer..

I smelled some sort of flower/plant on Sunday which reminded me of spring (smelled good).

There are spring flowers in the store... I bought a bunch of Daffodils and Tulips the other day...

I get to go to camp this weekend which will be good for me.

Last year I went - it was right around the time where Dad started going downhill quickly... my people were good for me and I'm sure they will be again.

I know someday soon I will quit feeling like a Debbie Downer... it will just magically feel better..

I'm looking forward to that day.

Good Things

I would give yesterday a 7.

Here are some of the highlights... or things that made me feel good.

I subbed the body sculpt class - as you probably know it's not my usual thing to do...
first of all - one of the regulars grabbed my equipment for me (I thanked him)...
another regular asked me how my holidays were - so I told her... she looked shocked about it all and then said she was surprised that someone like me was single... and then she said "mmm who do I know???"... she was also surprised to find out that I was of the ripe old age of 46..
at the end of class she said that she wished that I could teach the class permanently... she always liked it when I subbed.

after body sculpt I taught the cycle class - after class a person came up to me and told me how much she appreciated my class because she could just zone out and ride, but that I gave enough cues and warning so that she knew what was coming up. That's one of the best compliments you can receive..
That made me feel good...

after the gym I went to Mom's and help her get Zoe's wheelchair all set up.  Zoe is not quite sure about the whole thing, but she sure looks cute in it.

I'm sure she will get used to it and will be roaring around the house soon...

After some puppy love I went to the salon and then off to my cousin's house to watch the football game.

Overall my mood is better...  I'm still sad at times though...

Being an INFP is hard... it's the FEELING part that gets me... I'm not a robot (I think I said that before)...

Today I am teaching and then I have to do laundry or I'll be going commando.. we don't want that...

I am going to do things that make me happy.

I think I will check out my wheelchair doggy too... she could use some loving I think.

Weekend...

I don't have too much to report this morning.

I went to bed at 9pm last night and for once I did't fall asleep watching netflix on my iPad.  It was nice and restful.  I was out like a light.

Today is going to be full... ww, coffee, teaching, facial, construction a dog wheelchair, watching football, laundry.  I think that's it...

tomorrow will be more of the same...

I have to get moving to get my act together so I can roll one thing into another...

Today I am going to be a 7, maybe even an 8.

detoxing

My practice of no laptop in the pm is serving me well for now.

Last night I continued to avoid the electronics and it helped... I took a long bath and read a book that I bought that's full of essays/lectures by Leo Buscaglia.  I posted his videos the other week... his words are doing a good job of making me feel better. After the bath I watched a bit of television and then went to bed at 9 and read some some.  It may just become a habit.

I stayed offline at work yesterday too.... I realize that I don't always need to know what's going on with everyone all the time...

I think yesterday was a 6.

I will take a 6. I actually found myself laughing a bit yesterday - that's a good thing.

I'm trying to set up one of bosses with a friend of mine... that makes me feel good. I've decided that I'm going to focus on connecting people with situations and things... it keeps me from dwelling on things that didn't work out.

I have survived the full work week... I have made a lot of headway cleaning my desk area and it was actually noticed by one of my bosses yesterday.. makes me feel good to get things taken care of...

Things are shaping up... that's good.

This weekend I am teaching, getting a facial and watching the seahawks... busy busy busy...

Over the hump.

I made it past Wednesday. That's a good thing.

I keep moving... yesterday was a 5.5.  Considering Tuesday was a 4 that's good.

The past two nights I have decided to lay off the computer... I realized that I needed to get out of that habit for a while... I'm limiting myself to mornings only for a while. In reality I don't know how long that will last, but for the past two nights it has been a good thing.

Last night I taught my class and mentioned to one of my friends that I had had a bad day on Tuesday... I mentioned that I had cried a little bit. To this she said. "Don't do that" - "he's not worth it"...
first of all - I will cry if I need to... I'm not going to stuff my feelings inside.. I think I need to get everything out.. and I suspect that I'm not just crying over the whole boy situation, it's a culmination of a lot of things, the boy situation has only brought it to the surface... the death of a parent, the dog that can't walk anymore (her wheelchair came the other day),  the stress of work (people being sick, personnel changes)...  if I need to sit in the bathtub or shower and cry I will do it... I know eventually my good days will be better than the bad.. my heart will heal.

Second, he probably wasn't worth it, but he is my friend.. I'm not the kind of person who can just leave a friendship dead in the road. I'm not going to be all buddy buddy but I'm not going to cut him out of my life.  If friends are toxic - yes, but the only thing the boy did wrong was not communicating with me.

I would suspect that people looking at my situation from the outside think I might be overreacting but you have to realize that I don't let people in that often, and when I get hurt I feel things deeply.. I am not a robot.

I will feel better... I know it.

Ups and Downs and New Tires

I am medium.

That is my standard answer for people these days.

I've been worse, and I've been better.

Medium seems like a good answer.

I had a medium day yesterday... I only cried a few times... I didn't even cry this much when my dad died... Perhaps I have saved all my tears up for this point in time.

Last night I got home and didn't open the laptop... it was a nice change. I may do it more often... I just sat on the sofa and watched television (I love television), then curled up into my nest (i.e. blanket) and fell asleep.

On a bright note I am the proud owner of four new Michelin tires! The car handles like a dream now after the tires and alignment and a lube oil and filter... there's also a new bushing in there (what a bushing is I'm not quite sure but that's okay by me... I'll leave it to the professionals)...

I'm trying to think of things I can do to keep myself busy... it's when I have too much time to think is when I have the tendency to go down to that medium space...  this weekend is pretty full, I'm subbing classes on Saturday and then teaching on Sunday. I have to figure out where I'm going to watch the Seahawks game too.. that's the most important thing.

Go Hawks.

I guess that is all I have to report this morning... I'm hoping for a medium well day today.

Hey everybody

I survived the first day back to work.

It was busy and good... I've decided to quit being passive aggressive when it comes to things that bug me... first item of business - tell people at work that I'm not cleaning their dirty dishes out of the sink. I am not a maid and they don't pay me to do it.

I was backed up by my boss too... that's cool...

I've started getting things cleaned up around my work area... it's been so busy lately It got a bit messy - but I'm tired of it looking like an episode of hoarders.

New year, fresh start...

Today I am getting new tires on my car... that's exciting. Yes, it is.

My heart and head are definitely better... my appetite has returned. It's hard getting over being disappointed though. I didn't cry yesterday - that good! Being busy is definitely helping.

In the grand scheme of things my problems are small. I need to appreciate what I have.

Yesterday I also managed to submit a proposal for an art show - who knows if It will be accepted - but it was good to get it in before the deadline (three and a half hours)... I have to get into the swing of things in my art life... 2014 is going to see some changes.

That's all I know right now... go team.

I will never be a cougar...

I was supposed to meet a youngster for coffee today - I just couldn't do it.

that's okay... I will continue to get out and do things... keep active and depend on my friends..

I was told today by one of my older male friends that I wasn't getting enough attention from what he could see from the situation... I think he is right.  When you are not used to getting attention you take anything you can get..

lessons learned...

I am doing laundry now and will meet my friend Bonnie later for a walk around the lake... I like walking and taking... exercise and dialogue... it's good.

I am ready to get back into the swing of things - full week this week.. full classes, full work schedule.  Fun fun fun...
I'm also getting new tires on my car and some other things done... who needs money anyway.

I have a lot to look forward to this year. New opportunities and new friends and good times.

This is the ice-cream sandwich I ate yesterday... it was yummy.  I'm back on the wagon today.

what what what???

Overall it's been a good day.. I started feeling a little sad this afternoon but I took myself out to peruse a new store down the street from me (Cone and Steiner) and then I stopped at Hello Robin for an ice cream sandwich made with homemade Macklesm'ore cookies and Molly Moon's mint ice cream.
I'll go back on the no sweets wagon tomorrow - but it was just what I needed.  I also solicited my FB friends for pick me up songs... I am currently listening to Don't You Worry About a Thing by Stevie Wonder... it's a good song. Overall I'm not too bad... I still have to go through it.

Tomorrow I am teaching and then I'm supposed to meet a gentleman for coffee... he's a pup, but what the heck... you never know unless you get out there...

I think tonight I shall build another nest and fall asleep in it. I like it a lot and am thinking about making a nest sculpture - neato!

The only way to get to the other side is to go through...

Last Night I Built a Nest

A friend of mine posted this to my timeline the other day

Post by Derren Brown.

They are instructions for building a nest.

Last night I got home after teaching and built my own nest, I crawled into it and covered my head and cried a little bit... then I fell sleep. It was nice to nest for a while... I may do it again tonight after the ritual Friday night bath/Entertainment Weekly reading.

Sometimes you just have to build a nest..

Things are moving along - I had lunch with my cousin and my friend Kristen yesterday... later Kristen told me that I looked really tired.

I am... it's been a tough row to hoe for a while - but it's getting better.

This weekend I am subbing the body sculpt and cycle class on Saturday - the instructor says she is going to be out of town (although I don't think that's really the case)... but I am going to cover her classes both this weekend and the next. I can use the money and I'm being helpful and kind... I am going to go into saving mode.  I have some expenditures this year and want to make sure I can cover them.

The rest of the weekend is filled up with lunch with my sister and her family (presents!). A coffee date with a 26 year old and teaching... I suppose I should really clean up my apartment... it's starting to look like a sad messy person lives here... New Year, New Jen!

Back at it!

Finally the Holidays are over and we can get back to business.

Although it's been a while since I've worked a full day I am going to plow through it today!

I look forward to keeping myself busy... I got a call yesterday asking if I could sub the cycle class this evening so I said yes... I am going to be the best cycle instructor I can be... and try to help people out when I can.  The gym was acquired over the holidays and is under new management. I am hopeful that I can help make the transition as easy as possible and not be a poop about it.

I will get more back if I am kind and helpful...

The thing that I have learned recently is that I have a lot of friends that love and care for me no matter what.  It feels good.

I am going to be counseling at a midwinter retreat in a few weeks and I am really looking forward to it.  To be back in my community to hopefully share my experiences...

I have a lot to look forward to this year and a lot to be thankful for.

New Year's Day.

Already this morning I have made a date with a 26 year old that I met online at OKCupid... I figure what the heck.
I don't feel like I'm 46 so I might as well go on a date with someone younger than me.

Yesterday I decided to let go of the anger I felt towards my friend John. I reached out and let him know it too.. I had a sense of relief and sadness but I do feel a lot better... I think the best gift I can give to people is to forgive (I don't know if that's the correct word for this situation) and give them the gift of letting their burdens go as well.

The lowdown is that he started seeing someone else and didn't know how to tell me... the solution on his part was avoidance of me which hurt me the most.  I would hope that by showing kindness and forgiveness to him that I can move on as a better person and that he can experience healing and growth as well.

What I have learned is that you need to communicate clearly what you want, what you are willing to accept from someone  else and be specific - spell it out. I will no longer be "okay with things" if I don't know what exactly those "things" are.

I can't be one of those people who just gets rid of friends when they hurt me... I hope that I am a much better person and friend as a result of this.

Today I was going to jump in Lake Washington for the Polar Bear Plunge but my cold has not cleared up enough... I think I will clean up my place, take down my tree, and then maybe go for a walk around Greenlake.

2014 is going to be a good year.